Today is the worst sort of emotional roller coaster. I have to decide whether i am going to struggle for every single tiny piece of me degree that is left to take, or whether i will just give up and quit school. The decision doesn’t have to be made today, but that actually makes it worse. I have to decide EVERY SINGLE DAY, until I graduate or quit. I hate those kinds of decisions. Because i feel like it is just a pointless struggle until i give up. And lets be honest, i have had ALLOT of supremely painful pointless struggles in my life. All i want is to work, and live my life. But, the vast majority of people i have spoken with view me as a unemployable commodity in this country because i don’t hold a degree. and i can’t seek out the truth in that because i don’t speak enough Finnish. Languages are hard for me because
a) abstract concepts and i don’t really get along all that well
b) When something doesn’t get along well with my brain i tend to not put my full effort into it.
c) I am easily distracted once i’m not putting my full attention onto something.
It’s not laziness, truly its not. i WANT desperately to learn the language. i want it so i can simply walk onto a construction site, tell them what i can do, and get a god damn job already. i would quit this school in a heart beat if i could be gainfully employed. i give zero cares as to whether or not i LIKE the job, or ENJOY myself. its just work.
That is problem the first today.
Problem the second.
My ANTI-depressant is quite possibly trying to kill me. As in, lethargy, lack of drive to complete tasks, increase in suicidal thoughts, anger outbursts and rapid mood swings.
i discovered this while googling if it was possible to deliberately overdose on my medication. Later, while standing next to a set of train tracks, thinking how annoying it was that i had the dog with me and would have to take her back home and inside, then come back out to the tracks before i could actually step in front of a train, i decided that i should put some thought into how much of that was my current REAL emotional state, and how much was being “provided”. I’m used to having thoughts of death. they have been my constant companions since i was 20-21. However its really only been in the last year that i have had constant suicidal thoughts. Not to say i haven’t contemplated it before, but they are now the over riding thought. If you don’t understand the difference between wanting to BE dead, and wanting to KILL yourself, don’t think about it too much. It’s not pleasant and realistically, it either makes perfect sense to you or it doesn’t. today i have thought about killing myself 5 times. It’s 11:30. I don’t feel I’m a suicide risk, I’m gonna be PISSED if you call the white jackets on me. I have also thought twice about leaving my wife so that she can have a happy life without me, and three times about having a child. the mood swings are real.
All my life consists of is a headlong plunge down hill in terror trying not to trip up and screw everybody else running around me. this medication was supposed to make that easier. If it’s not, i need one that will. Otherwise someday i WILL do something foolish, and that spectrum of foolish thoughts i have is…. VAST.